-less of you is more than i can take-

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Tuesday, January 20, 2004
i think i miss you most on wednesdays and saturdays

all i've been really wanting to do is sleep, and sleep and sleep. and i basically did just that last weekend. but when i wasn't doing that i was watching hopelessly romantic movies on tv. i'm turning into a hopeless romantic, i swear! i'll just sit there, anywhere, and think about the whollllllllle thing untill my brain practically blows up and the only thing that makes it feel slightly better is sleeping. it's pathetic. last night i stayed up till two with shaun eli chris jordan and rachelle and jacob while they played call of duty. and the next day i didn't even wake up till 12. i fall asleep thinking about it, and i wake up thinking about it. and its not going away. some days it's worse than the others. but still, it's not going away. i havn't been telling cj anything i'm thinking lately, mostly because he hasn't asked and because i don't even know what to think. all there is left to do besides sleeping to get my mind off all of this is to play video games. and that only helps a little. and i can't get past the places i'm at on spongebob so i just give up. seriously though, it's hurting me more than anyone could ever realize.

Posted at 06:46 pm by roxyDCtsk08
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Monday, January 19, 2004
am i drowning you out?

so basically all i did this weekend was watch tv, sleep, and eat. thats it. i lost count of all the movies i watched but some of them i think were crazy/beautiful, forces of nature, you've got mail, sleepless in seatle, now and then, the goodbye girl, and more. pretty much all hopelessly romantic movies(on TV). lol this was a sappy weekend.
josh called a couple of days ago, i did get to talk to him, and i asked him what he had for lunch and he started laughing and said "an orange". i've hardly sat online for more than 15 minutes, cause no one has been on. nathan, jamie, and the rest of the jensens went to the snow for the weekend, so did sammy, and i'm pretty sure cj was playing video games non-stop. yay go him. my parents went out of town for couple of days so jordans gonna come stay here for a while, yay!
and it's Eli's 21st Birthday today, happy birthday buddy! =)
i think this weekend i've realized how much i like listening to other people vent on and on about their bad days and moods. i was at a chinese resturaunt in danville with my mom yesterday and the owner comes over to us while were eating and just goes on and on about his bad days at work, i could tell my mom was disturbed by it, but i thought it was pretty cool. and now cj's talking to me about his friends and all they've got going on and stuff and i like it. if you ever need to vent, i'm here for you. who ever you are!

Posted at 01:16 pm by roxyDCtsk08
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Thursday, January 15, 2004
back in school they never taught us what we needed to know, like how to deal with despair or someone breaking your heart

well i think i've decided to spill it out here and now because i'm tired of not saying anything about it and i really don't think much people are reading this thing so yeah, have fun.
i've thought about this a lot, every minute of everyday it's been on my mind since it first started out. i got kissed for the first time and it wasn't just a small kiss either. i've always hoped for my first kiss to turn into something good after it happened and not just fall apart. i guess to some people, kissing isn't really a big deal, but for me it sort of is. don't get me wrong, it went really well. but, unlike i wanted, it fell apart after. why does it always fall apart? i don't know. but it would be nice if something actually lasted once in a while, you know? anyway. so this kissing happened, and after i felt pretty good, but he stopped texting me... for a while..
i saw him at youth group a couple of days later, he didn't say a word to me.
by now CJ was the only one who knew about what happened, the only person I could really tell. I felt pretty dang hurt after he left without saying anything to me, but i didn't think much of it, i was still trying to catch my breath from it all. I saw him again the following weekend, and we kissed, again. a little more than last time i think. and he talked to me a little bit but about nothing in particular. well, the same thing happened all over again, he still hadn't text me for a while. and then i thought about it more and more and more, alot more than before. pretty soon i just started falling apart. i had no idea what he was thinking about it, or if i was used, or if i shouldve been happy or sad, it wasn't too bad to where i was crying constantly, though. i was sad, but i was more angry. i would just sit around my house and listen to dashboard confessional staring at whatever was infront of my face thinking about it, it wasn't any good. so i wasted a few days away doing that, and a following weekend i was at his house w/ his sister, who's one of my closer friends, and she didn't know anything about what was going on between me and him. and i thought, if one of my good friends was making out with my brother, i would probably want to know this. so i decided to tell her. she looked really confused, i felt sooo bad. she said she was going to talk to him about it, and she did. i have no idea why, but he told his sister it never happened. so she told me what he said, and i have to admit i was so upset, it was on christmas night she told me this, and i just turned off my computer and ran into my room and finally cried and everything. i was so confused at this point, i think i hit rock bottom that night. my emotions were falling all over the place, i was so so upset. i didn't know what to do, if i should say something to him or not, and just let it go. but i had already lost him last summer, and that was one of the last things i wanted to do, was let go. because ever since i've met him we were just really good friends, and when you find someone with that kind of connection, and feeling, you just can't let it go and you shouldn't let it go. before all this happened, back when i first knew him, we were pretty good friends, but i liked him more than that. unfortunately he had a girlfriend at the time, so, i was getting hurt pretty bad by that whole thing. and because of her, we stopped talking for the summer. i got over him, though. and nathan came around and i started to like him. so then november comes around. he comes to youth group, and i hadn't seen him for a long time now, but when i did i just walked right over to him and he walked twards me and we talked for couple minutes. i was happy though, things were turning out to be okay for me, but before i could even get a chance to really realize how good i had it, it slipped right between my fingers. i havn't talked to him for a while now. he was at youth group last night, but nothing was said between us. but i know he noticed me..
by now Jamie knew that he kissed me, and she understood how hard it was for me, and Nathan knew a lot about it too. he gave me some good advice and i'm really glad i know him. but nathan had me promise him that i'm over this guy, and i did because i knew if i got over him the first time, i could probably do it again. and i think i was right for promising nathan that, because i think now i'm very slowly getting over it. although, i still wan't to be there for him no matter what he ever does to me, i've always wanted to be someones someone who they could talk to about anything and not have to worry what they'll say, but i didn't know anyone who that could actually happen with untill i met him. it doesn't matter to me weather i can be with him or not, i just want to be there for him. so if he does ever read this, i hope he knows now i will always be there to listen to what he has to say, no matter what, and i honestly mean that.
i think now somethings starting between nathan and me, he's really great, he reminds me of jordan in a lot of ways, and i've always hoped for someone to come around like jordan. nathan has already taught me some important things, and i think he could eventually teach me a lot more, i have a lot of respect for him..

Posted at 10:42 pm by roxyDCtsk08
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i'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired


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Posted at 09:09 pm by roxyDCtsk08
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Wednesday, January 14, 2004
i'm lookin for a song to sing, lookin for a friend to borrow

i don't have alot to say about anything these days mostly because i don't even know what to think right now and for the past month or so. it's been a while since i've let out all my thoughts to cj. or to anyone. it's confusing, way too confusing. but since no one has asked me what wrong, i guess i'm pretty good at keeping things bottled don't you think!!!! lol ohhh well. it'll get better sooner or later

Posted at 11:09 pm by roxyDCtsk08
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Tuesday, January 13, 2004
the best that you could hope for is hardly the best

gaaaah lets just say i can not wait untill things finally get back to normal, for me, and(if things are weird for you too), for you. i can't get used to this feeling, i miss how it used to be. last night while cj was watching basketball i was watching save the last dance on dinner and a movie and after that now and then came on, i'd never seen it before and i wasn't very sleepy sleepy yet so i watched it. it was pretty good, based in the 70s, i liked it. i love to sleep, and lately i've been doing it alot. it's like the only medicine for my thinking too much, if i ever feel like my hearts going to come crashing down, i just go to sleep. thinking too much is litterally exhausting. im hungry.

Posted at 05:26 pm by roxyDCtsk08
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Monday, January 12, 2004
it's hard to explain how i am getting by on so little from you

well for the past few days, weeks, maybe even a month now, i've been walking around pratically my whole house with my earphones in place listening to dashboard confessional over again because it seems to be the only thing that helps me get my mind off.. well.. everything. i think if it wasn't for dashboard i'd be an even bigger emotional mess, so i guess i should be slightly happy for it. anyway. today i sat in bed all day doing my school work in my pjs. and i actually finished at all, i'm kind of proud of me. lol. i also made my dad and me breakfast and i didn't burn the house down. how special. it's sammy's 14th birthday today, wowwwww. i slept in till 10 today because i didn't fall asleep till one last night. it's foggy outside and i wish it was raining, even though that has nothing to do with anything. as soon as i woke up this morning and came out of my room my dads like "josh met a girl". oh wow, those are the four words i didn't think i'd be hearing for a while. her name is inga(?) and she's a bartender.. lol. apparently he drives his friends to bars and back and watches them waste away while he talks to the ladies(lol) he says "i LOVE BEING A DESIGNATED DRIVER!", how cute. i'm happy for him but this inga girl best not break his heart cause he's sensitive like that, aww i miss him. but as for now he says he's "playing it cool" and just talkin to her a lot. i'm jealous. hahaha. i've been reading some sort of script for english, i really like reading scripts alot more than regular books, they're fun. i think when i get to liberty i want to take a drama class and see how it goes. i think thats it for now, happy birthday sammy!! i'm really glad we're friends and i hope it stays that way for a looooong time. "COME HERE MR. POOP" lololololol, i will never forget that.

Posted at 04:39 pm by roxyDCtsk08
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Sunday, January 11, 2004
i'm missing your bed, i never sleep

there was nothing better to do than to sleep last night so i went to bed early, 10:00.
then my mom came and woke me up for church and now i'm just waiting till we leave. i asked my mom if we could go to sweet tomatoes for lunch after, she said it's fine. i just didn't feel like filling myself up with all this bad but so good food today. sammy stayed the night friday night, we had a lot of fun as usuall, hehe. but she left early saturday morning so then i just went back to sleep and then hung around the house and then i talked to erica and asked if she wanted to go to the movies and see cheaper by the dozen with me and she said sure so we went and walked over to mcdonalds and got food and then took her home and then i came home and talked to cj and jamie and then they left so i went to bed. nothing else is new, i've still been thinking way too much. oh well, i miss josh. and i miss disneyland. and i miss my old house. sammys birthday is tomorrow, happy almost birthday sammy =)

Posted at 09:26 am by roxyDCtsk08
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Saturday, January 10, 2004
screaming infidelities

"screaming infidelities"
dashboard confessional

i missing your bed
i never sleep
avoiding the spots
where we'd have to speak
and this bottle of beast is taking me home

i'm cuddling close to blankets and sheets
but you're not alone
and you're not discreet
make sure i know who's taking you home

i'm reading your note over again
and theres not a word
that i comprehend
except when you signed it
"i will love you always and forever"

well as for know i'm gonna hear the saddest songs and sit alone and wonder how you're making out
but as for me i wish that i was anywhere with anyone
making out

i'm missing your laugh
how did it break?
and when did your eyes
begin to look fake?
i hope you're as happy as you're pretending

i'm cuddling close
to blankets and sheets
and i am alone
and in my defeat i wish i knew you were safely at home

i'm missing your bed
i never sleep
avoiding the spots
where we'd have to speak
and this bottle of beast
is taking me home

well as for now i'm gonna hear the saddest songs
and sit alone and wonder how you're making out
but as for me i wish that i was anywhere with anyone
making out

your hair, it's everywhere
screaming infidelities
and taking it's wear

Posted at 08:34 pm by roxyDCtsk08
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Friday, January 09, 2004
only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile

i slept horribly last night. i thought i was tired enough to fall asleep pretty fast, but i guess i was wrong, it wasn't a good night at all. this morning i kinda just walked around the house and waited for my sheets to be finished in the dryer while listening to fsf. my parents are going out of town next week and my mom doesn't want to leave me home alone the whole time so she called jordan last night to see if he would come by, he doesn't know if he will yet though. i told her if he says no she should ask eli. i don't think he would mind looking out for me. i wouldn't mind too much either, he's kind of like my mentor. but we'll see what happens. today i went to the grocery store with my mom and i got a bunch of gummy worms and lolly pops, i've been wanting candy for a while now, so, i got some! lol.. i should probably go finish my schoolwork, but i really don't want to so i guess i'll just watch tv for a while. have a good weekend!

Posted at 02:55 pm by roxyDCtsk08
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